The One About Weight and Death

I find it interesting that most of my exercise jargon involves words related to death.

“I murdered my thighs last night!”

“I am killing it!”

“Pain is weakness dying!”

And though it’s not related to death, one of my favorites is still: “Sweat is fat crying.”

These expressions make me laugh most of the time, especially the cheesy ones. Ya know, the hyper-motivational ones that are supposed to toughen you up and remind you that you are in competition with the part of you who really just wants to eat a burger and take a nap.

I realize though that I use death analogies because it is truly a part of me dying. It’s the part that Christ is redeeming. It’s the little girl Tawny who was always teased for being overweight and felt that it was somehow my identity, my death sentence. God is killing those ugly, un-true bits, and reminding me of who I am in Christ. It’s lovely.

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The past two weeks I have been going to the gym. I don’t know how much weight I have lost and I really don’t care. It’s not the loss or gain that I care about, but rather, it’s how I feel.

One of my goals for 2015 has been a focus on health – in all of the ways – and to actually pay attention to my body. My “check off” goal is to touch my toes. Yes, I have never been able to touch my toes. Those President Physical Fitness tests were the most depressing times for me. Those stretches before dance class was humiliating. I hope by the age of 30 I will be able to touch my toes. I have audacious goals, don’t I?

I am proud of myself for getting this far. Two weeks is a big deal for me. I have changed my schedule and have made it a habit. It’s part of my daily routine of going to work and getting ready. And I have found on the days I missed, I spent hours playing Just Dance to make up for the loss time, not because I had to but because I wanted too.

The changes are already evident. I have more energy. I seem to be more balanced in my emotional health. I am finding joy dancing around. Picking up things from off the floor isn’t scary, though sometimes it still can cause some pain. I think my posture has changed too, which is nice. I am achy but that is only because I am kicking my butt right now and not because my body is allergic to movement. And I have a growing confidence too. Yeah, so what if I am not at the weight I want to be? I’ll get there. I feel like it’s possible now. It doesn’t feel like a weight on top of me, but rather, a weight I am holding in my hand while doing some lunges– wha cha!

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