A Hard Birthday

It doesn’t feel like my birthday today. And maybe it will feel more as the day progresses, but it doesn’t feel like it now.

People have asked me throughout the week, “Are you excited to be turning 30? How does it feel to be 30? What are you doing for your birthday?”

I had plans. Usually, my birthday is hard for me. I feel incredibly lonely and isolated on that day, so to rectify that I had a big birthday celebration last year and it was one of the best I’ve had. So I wanted to do it again this year, especially as I am the big 3-0.

And then a family friend died and everything changed. I canceled my party, flew across country, and I’ve been grieving with my family and my second family.

I woke up on my 30th with a puffy face and an emotionally drained body.

It’s hard to celebrate. I am trying to focus on what John would want, but it’s hard.

I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful that I get to turn 30. Though if I could have a birthday wish, it would be that I could’ve given some of my years to John so that he may have lived longer because this world lost a beautiful, bright light.

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